You're not my friend!

Observation:

Three children, aged approximately 3, 4 and 5 years old. The older two clearly have a lot in common, seeking each other for play whenever they get together (once a week). They share a history (spending week days together in a playgroup since toddlerhood). It is pointed out to me by one of their educators that, “The older two don’t seem to like the youngest.” I commence my own observations.

I see the 3 year old clearly infatuated by the older two. Tagging along, attempting to be with them and eager to join their game. The older two do what they can to NOT let the 3 year old in their play. Quite simply, the 3 year old seems to annoy them. The older two are using a lot of language that “excludes” the younger child, such as, “You’re my friend, you’re not my friend, let’s be friends”

Reflection:

Previously, perhaps prior to discovering the RIE approach, I would respond to these children with approach A) “Everybody here are friends, we are all here together, you have to try to get along.” Then launch into some form of finding a way to make them all play together. However, when I reflect and see it all at face value, and draw on the RIE method to: acknowledge, don’t fix and be there, then things change.

Approach B) We need to acknowledge the older two for what they feel “the younger child is new, you don’t want to play with him”. Then, to the 3 year old, “the other children don’t want to play with you right now. This upsets you, you want to play with them. They said no. I am here for you.”

Let’s look at what approach A) teaches the child.

• ·         Your feelings are not real,
• ·         I don’t trust you,
• ·         Suppress true feelings,
• ·         You need to rely on adults to fix your problems,
• ·         You have to do things you don’t like, even if you don’t know why, or don’t feel empathy.

Approach B)

·         Your feelings are valid,

·         You have a point of view,

·         You have the right to make choices,

·         You can get through this pain (the 3 year old) and face disappointment, and I will be here for you,

·         You can learn to empathise and consider others because I am empathizing and considering you! The power of role modelling is so often underestimated,

·          You can hear new ways of using language to express your feelings gently (hearing the alternative to “you are/aren't my friend” in my sports casting of “You want to play with, don’t want to play with___ right now.”)